Celebrating the tragic death of a commute | SIXbirds Financial
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Celebrating the tragic death of a commute

April 27, 2013 5 Comments

traffic_black___white_by_dreamingpsnlaffingx3-d2l22uhI am 41 years old, and I have never really “commuted” until recently. I have always maintained and used bike distance and/or public transit as a general rule.

However, circumstances and opportunity lead my family to attempt a bold experiment that required me to be behind the wheel 150 miles per day. It’s okay… I thought of it as a job with a defined beginning and end, and don’t regret the trying. I don’t regret the gallant attempt at improving our lot even if it includes challenging a rule or completing a task most would never consider.

But, it’s time to cease and erase. Time to grow. Time to pivot.

Because I have officially tapped out and officially sent the Fuck This signal up into the universe.

It’s time to crush my commute and conga about its corpse — shouting and pissing fire as if entering through a modern rite of passage where “commuters” get back to being “people.” Welcome back. Now you’ve earned the right to rock the double rods at every gas station, discount tire store, toll booth, state inspection grafter, mandatory insurance agent, DMV, douchebag morning radio personality, planned obsolescence engineer, bottleneck, and rude-ass-horn-honking motherfucker who ever pulled a dime out of my pocket or siphoned off another 5 minutes of life from me.

For the past 8 months I have risen at 4:15 am, stumbled around in the dark for awhile, made my sensible lunch and hit the trail of hopelessness 75 miles to my very first office job in the nation’s bureaucratic epicenter. Yes, I’m looking at you, DC. Go big or go home.

It no longer makes sense, so my family is abandoning its outpost and moving close to the food source. This is after running cost benefit analyses that would gag a maggot, modifying our behavior to fit a completely different lifestyle, and plunging into a new arena that promises a more fulfilling, human life — at the cost of sublime effort. All this in the face of — evidence. Mind you, this is the same evidence that millions of motorists ignore everyday as we roll on dubs to the unnecessarily accelerated demise of America.

Today is the last day I make the 75 mile trek home. It will likely take 2 and a half hours of my life force and leave me slightly less optimistic about the future of humanity. But, in a few hours I will drive down my country lane that would never exist without a grotesque abundance of cheap oil — for the last time as a “commuter.” It’s a title I am retiring. Today.

Today is the last day I join the unintelligable tribal roar of stupidity that shuttles massive amounts of gear and people vast distances unnecessarily. Today is the last day I ferry my solo ass an unspeakable distance in suport of a failed design. Today is the last day I lend my voice to a flailing rally cry of the Motorista.

There is a better way. It doesn’t include cars for cars’ sake. Cars are an amazing invention designed for maximum waste and expense. It is a collar around the necks of the middle class when we use them to poke around from the forests to the malls. They are a wonderful invention when used properly.

My faithful 2003 Honda Civic Hybrid will be retired too — sold to the next commuter who wants to attempt to unplug from the matrix 50 mpg at a time. But, I have discovered there is only one way to declare your independence (financial or otherwise), and that is to walk out under the force of your own power. We will go from being a two-car family to a no-car family as soon as the titles transfer.

So Fuck You, Honda.

Fuck You, Toyota.

Fuck You, Ford.

Fuck You, Chevy.

Go peddle your $40,000 hunks of hybrid, flex fuel bullshit on some other planet.

My advice? Do the numbers. For the love of God, do the numbers, and witness the flow of money that cars exert in order to keep you pushing toward something that often doesn’t make any sense.

In my celebration, I have given you the gift of the SIXbirds Car Operating Cost Calculator. I have placed in the “Tools” section of this blog. Do the math, Dear Reader, then get going.

Special thanks goes to my wife for having the courage to change, adapt, act, and defend. I will love you forever for that. And special thanks to my office mates who make our temporary assignment at Headquarters as fun and challenging as possible before we are re-released back into the world. You are my heroes.

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About the Author:

My goals in life are to not have a job and to work my ass off. I give your choice of virtual high five, cyber hug, or electronic fist bump for meaningful interaction.

Comments (5)

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  1. Jack says:


  2. Very inspiring, with great insight. Let us know how things go!

  3. Dude. You are spot on. I wish I could, although I am very close. Can’t wait to hear how it goes!!

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