What to do when you suck at money: A 1-step Program for Non-Guaranteed Success

Well, luckily you have me… living proof that you can suck so bad at something and still survive, mount a comeback, and kick the crap out of your financial Demons.  Chronicling my suckiness and subsequent victory is a free service to you.  You are so welcome.

Before my financial rebirth, I sucked so bad at managing money that I became infatuated with the idea of taking cash advances on my credit card in order to PAY my credit card bill.  Can you imagine?!  I mean, that’s like a country borrowing money from a competing government in order to service the original debt.  Wow.

So, if you feel like you’re behind the getting rich pace as compared with the deluge of bullshit success stories on the Interwebs, do not worry.  Or, if you haven’t yet released your inner dumbass and are sitting atop a mild, invest-able fortune, you’re about to get the true lowdown on how to make your dollar soldiers mop up the battlefield.

It’s really an in-depth, one-step program.

Step 1:  Decide you want to be wealthy.

Wow.  Refreshing, isn’t it?

Here’s the big kicker… you have to actually decide that you want to be wealthy.  I know – I know, isn’t that the worst?

Deciding to do something means you have to actually DO stuff.  It means you have to focus on shit you might hate.  Ugh, we’ll have to learn stuff.  I hate that.

But, here’s a promise, my good friends:

Once, you really (and, I mean really) decide, you cannot go back.  You shall cross your Rubicon, burn the boats behind you, and do every other badass metaphor that indicates success.

I went to school to become a Wildlife Biologist, so that I could spend half a decade (5 years) couch surfing from job to job throughout the western US.  It was awesome, poor-person work, and I miss it.  I had absolutely no interest in learning a single, goddamn thing about money.

Life happens.  We adapt to our landscape.  We become disenchanted with making flapjacks atop a fire-heated axe head in the Gila Wilderness in New Mexico.  Huh?

Mastering the money game allows us access to the Earthly Extraordinary while we’re still above ground.  Mastering the money game allows us to flash the double rods to every bullshit, nonsense time tax humans have ever invented.  When you gain your financial independence, you are no longer obligated.

Do you hate the game?  I don’t anymore.  I spent most of my life railing against it futily until I realized that the game doesn’t really care what you think.  Play or don’t play, you’re still in it.  If you’re reading this on a screen anywhere in the world right now today – you’re playing the game, my friend.

I say, let’s stop sucking.  I say, let’s play together.  I say, let’s tell every Gatekeeping Time Taxer to fuck off.  When this game is over, we may be sweaty and bloody, but we’re walking off the field the victor or nothing.  I’d rather die than lose.  I’m 100% in.  Are you?

About the Author: Patrick

My goals in life are to not have a job and to work my ass off. I give your choice of virtual high five, cyber hug, or electronic fist bump for meaningful interaction.